For those who don’t know me, my name is Stephanie. I am 44 year-old Canadian. I met my husband the summer I was 18 and we married the spring I was 25. We had our first daughter in 2004 and our second daughter in 2006. There was a third pregnancy in 2008 which wasn’t viable and we decided life and family were fine just the four of us. Our little family loves to travel; we think we’ve been to many places but when we look at it on a map, there’s still so much world to see!
I have 2 brothers, one is older by 15 months and the other younger by 3 years. My older brother has 4 kids, 2 grandkids and my baby brother has 2 kids. Both brothers are married. Both of my parents sadly and unfortunately passed away and the young ages of 61 (Dad) and 65 (Mom).
I have always suffered depression (as far back as I can remember, anyway). I medically diagnosed with Celiac Disease on January 28, 2013. I have struggled with my weight most of my adult life. A couple of times I’ve managed to lose quite a bit of weight only to gain it back. I loved running Obstacle Course Races (OCR’s) with my BFF and I made jewellery for a while. After my dad passed in 2013, I got a tattoo of his signature on the inside of my wrist. It was his signature from the last mother’s day card he gave me. After mom passed, I had a tattoo with her signature placed into the stem of a tulip. My tattoo artist designed it from scratch, the funny thing was he created 3 tulips – which I looked at a symbol of my brothers and I. Since then, I’ve become addicted to tattoos…not too many though…only 15….
Why have I decided to re-introduce myself? I started this random blog many years ago as a way to chronicle my weight loss journey. Since then it included my Celiac diagnosis, struggle with depression, loss of my parents, etc. Also, because for the past year or so I’ve been struggling, and sometimes talking it out helps. Knowing you’re not alone helps. Because believe me, even surrounded by some pretty great people, I have never felt so alone. I’ve never been ashamed of my mental health struggles, and I hope my honestly can help someone else.
I know my musings are random and inconsistent, but I am simply a regular girl, with duties, chores and activities that keep me busy. I post because it’s easier to keep a diary of sorts rather than trying to explain anything to people, most of whom don’t understand mental illness.
January started off with both kids having a tournament in Buffalo (20 mins apart) on the same weekend which for once in our lives made it pretty easy for us parents! In December I paid for 93 weeks of personal training, meal plans, and accountability from Trainers On Site which started January 6. I then quit my job (for the second time) because while I like my job and the work I do, I REALLY disliked the company and their culture. Also, Happy Birthday 43rd to me.
As COVID started to threaten the Globe, we began to see our way of lives become fearful, and changes beginning. I sat in with the Executive team at work on the pandemic committee – did I mention my boss convinced me to stay? We worked plans to have staff work from home, how to keep as many as possible, which to place on layoff, etc. An exciting time in my career for sure. It certainly pushed me outside my boundaries.
In March we saw lockdown after the kids March Break. I went to work daily while DH and kids stayed home. I watched everything STOP. That was hard. To be a family that was on the go almost every minute of the day to almost nothing – well it was harder on DH and kids than me because atleast I was still able to get up and go to work and speak to other humans.
Our cruise was cancelled in April. DH an I spent the summer fixing up the yard, having friends over when the government rules allowed. I spent more time at my pool this summer than the entire 12 years we’d lived here. We decided to buy a hot tub, and finally renovate the house (what else are we going to do)? I finally quit my job for real in August (my boss had already quit months before) and went back o my old company. Taking HR advice from a Finance guy proved to be too much. We planned to visit my baby brother over Christmas but both our provinces decided to thwart those plans placing both under States of Emergency.
It certainly did not feel like Christmas. It was too quiet.
My mental health has taken a hit. I suffer MDD and have “high-functioning” depression, hiding it from most people but the signs of change had been happening for a few months (in hindsight). Mistakes in life and work. This past week it’s all come to a head and I have had a severe breakdown. Anxiety at an all time high. Restless sleep. Waking in cold sweats. I cannot shut my brain off. I cannot concentrate on one thing long enough to finish because my stupid brain moves to the next – thus mistakes happening. I don’t remember driving to and from work some days. My family thinks I am ignoring them but I don’t hear them (I’m too zoned out). I forget to email/text/call people back. I forget about hospital appointments for tests. Heck, I’ve forgotten to MAKE the appointments! Don’t worry my online readers, I knew it was time to ask for help. I am under the care of my doctor and am getting the help I know I so desperately need.
I hope that if anyone still reads my sporadic ramblings here I hope you know there is alot of help out there and it’s mostly a phone call away. Even the strong people need help once in a while. Please, please, please reach out for help.
Another year has come to an end. Heck, another decade has come to an end – maybe I’ll review the decade in another post. For now, 2019:
January. Started off on a negative note with me having to start the first waves of mass layoffs at the company I was working for. This finished by mid-January and by then I had begged my hubby to book us on a vacation because it really took a toll on my mental health. I know this is part of my job, but these people didn’t deserve to lose their jobs because someone at head office made the wrong business choice; these people paid the price.
So, our family had an adventure during the last week of January which also happened to be my 42nd birthday and the first without mom.
I don’t remember anything overly significant happening until April when I changed companies. You see, as a result of all those lay-offs and bad decisions by senior management at my company, I knew my plant was going to be shut down. I started looking for another job and started in April.
Again, nothing significant happened until the summer months. After A’s 15th birthday in July we sent her by herself to Calgary for 10 days to visit my brother. The day before A returned on the August long weekend, we dropped E off at a summer camp for the week (at what turned out to be a religious camp, oops). E came back a week later and then a week after that our family went on another adventure. Two weeks in Europe. First was a 9-day Baltic Cruise on Norwegian.
We flew to Iceland to change plans to fly to Copehnagen where we boarded the ship. First stop: Warnemunde, Germany. We took a 3-hour train to Berlin where we spent the day. Next stop: Gdynia , Poland. Here we spent the day visiting Stutthof Concentration Camp. The next day was a sea day, then on to Tallinn, Estonia. What a BEAUTIFUL place! Very Old Quebec, but with more history! The next day was what I was really waiting for, Saint Petersburg, Russia. I got to go to RUSSIA!! WOW! We spent 2-days visiting magnificent palaces, the Hermitage Museum, the Faberge Museum, taking a boat ride on the Neva river and visited the Church of the Spilled Blood. The next two days were at sea as we returned to Copenhagen, Denmark. Here we spent the day visiting the Little Mermaid Statue, Nyhavn, the Opera House, and Tivoli Gardens. Next we flew to Paris, France. My hubby and I went here on our honeymoon 17 years ago and didn’t like it all that much. It was a mch nicer experience this time around. We had an early morning guided tour of the Eiffel Tower where we got to go to the very top (not me, heights and anxiety stopped me). We went on a cruise down the the Seine. Paris is where I was able to find 100% gluten free bakeries and restaurants. We got as close to Notre Dame as we could, visited the Mona Lisa at the Louvre. We strolled up the Champs Elysees, visited briefly the Arc de Triomphe, and walked the Catacombs. Our next stop was London England. I got to go into Buckingham Palace!!! ARGH! SO BLOODY EXCITED!!! I loved every minute. I sat where I could to take it all in. I made my whole family sit with me in the garden restaurant just so I could enjoy an English Tea. Then I spent too much money in the gift shop. We went on the London Eye, walked to Trafalgar Square, toured Chelsea Gardens, big Ben, toured the Tower of London and Tower Bridge.. We then flew nack to Copenhagen and flew over to Reykjavik, Iceland. Sadly there would be no Aurora Borealis on this trip. We went to Thingvellir National Park, on to the Geysir’s, over to Gulfoss Falls (so beautiful), on to the Kerid Crater (yep, its a big ol’ hole in the ground), and off to what was one of my “must haves” on the trip – The Blue Lagoon. We got VIP treatments, enjoyed silica masks in the Lagoon while sipping on wine (for me). It took me a good 3 weeks for my hair to feel normal again. Once we were officially prunes, we left for the airport and flew home. By the time we got home, it was almost 7pm our time so off to bed we went.
September holiday was the day after we landed home and the kids went back to school. At the end of that week we were off to Sandusky, Ohio for E’s soccer tournament. The kids changed sports clubs; winter soccer started and hockey started with a few tournaments.
Thanksgiving, and Christmas and now New Years have all come and gone. I have missed my folks alot this year. I especially miss my mom and her talks. My mental health has taken a toll. I did what I thought was best for me and distanced myself from those I felt were toxic to me (and lost one of my BFF’s in the process).
There was a saying I saw on Facebook that I really liked; “I am moving in to 2020 with a clear heart & mind. If you owe me, don’t worry about it – you’re welcome. If you’ve wronged me, it’s all good – lesson learned. If you’re angry with me, you won – I’ve let it go. If we’re not speaking, it’s cool – I wish you well. If I’ve wronged you, I’m sorry – it wasn’t intentional. I am grateful for every experience that I have received. Life is too short for pent up anger, grudges, extra stress or pain. Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.” I am making 2020 a season of Love, laughter, happiness and positivity.
I wish you all a new year full of love, laughter, health and happiness. Live life with no regrets. Not even one letter.
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I reflect back on 2018 I see many things. Bringing mom home from the hospital in January after the pneumonia nearly killed her (it was like deja-vu of my dad). Celebrating my birthday with my mom, hubby & the kids.
February saw the house sold. It saw mom’s diagnosis turn to making her comfortable in the end rather that fighting the disease. My brother’s and I attempted to plan a trip to Iceland so mom could see the Northern Lights, but she couldn’t travel that far so we planned a trip to middle of nowhere Alberta instead. Mom would be placed into palliative care before the month was over and the trip would be cancelled.
March was spent cleaning and packing the house and spending all our time with mom in the hospital. For me, life was basically on hold. on March 24, 2018, I watched as my mother took her last breath of life. I sobbed for the loss of her short life. I sobbed for the loss of time we still had and the kids still had. I sobbed because I wasn’t done needing her. We put her funeral action plan into place and celebrated her life a few days later.
April saw what would have been Mom’s 66th birthday. The sale of the house sale fell through and subsequent legal fight (still not settled) and re-selling of the house. April saw the tulips on in the lawn bloom again with new life. It was a time for cleaning out the old, settling accounts and beginning to move forward.
May saw our 16th wedding anniversary.
June ushered in hot days, visits with Nanny and seeing the Canadian Women’s soccer team play in Hamilton vs. Germany. It was a stop at the 5 Drive-in in Oakville, silly notes about bad milk, and bad days where I wished I could call my mom.
As July took over, we celebrated Canada Day with our friends (like we do every year), and sweated our behinds off in 44 Celsius weather. The house finally sold and I got my 3rd tattoo. It was A’s 14th birthday and a date to the “Panic at the Disco” concert.
I celebrated the first day of August with a tulip tattoo with mom’s signature in the stem. I was also rear-ended on my way home from IKEA with Todd and Avery. I received a call from the Canada Parole Board and filed my opinion letter. Our annual vacation, once again with the Loaders, this year was a long over-night drive to Myrtle Beach. I spent what would have been Dad’s 67th birthday with C, L and my new bestie J (the tattoo artist and sweetheart) getting another tattoo. The month was rounded off with another concert with A, this time to Ed Sheeran’s Divide tour.
September was back-to-school and E’s 12th Birthday. It was my brother’s 38th Birthday, J’s 41st birthday (not the tattoo J) and another tattoo on my folks anniversary. We had a trip to Columbus, Ohio for the Columbus Crew tournament for E’s soccer team while A had a tournament the same weekend in Niagara Falls.
October brought drama to E’s soccer team, my brother’s 43rd birthday, thanksgiving, two more tattoos and a hockey tournament.
November rolled in with a Halloween party at the Loader’s, a super-fun girl’s night, another tattoo and a hockey tournament in Pittsburgh for the Pittsburgh Elite Classic.
December was Nanny’s 86th birthday. Work has been extra-crazy this month and emotional as all heck. I had a really nice Christmas, spending the evening with my older brother and his family having a really nice visit. There’s lots of sports to keep up busy for the next few months. A’s hockey team finished the Mississauga Winter Classic today winning Gold for their division. Congrats Ladies.
What does 2019 look like? The only predictable thing will be turning 42 and keeping busy with the kids. I’m not making resolutions. I’m taking every day as it comes, feeling lucky to wake up every day; living with no regrets.
I have spent the last 2 days sitting in a windowless room with 15 other people training to be a Mental Health First Aid Responder. It was a tough, but eye-opening 2 days.
It made me look back to how I as an HR professional have dealt with some employees in the past. Some situations I am proud of, some not so much.
With the recent events of celebrity suicide deaths, I felt the need to send the following email to the team:
We need to remove the stigma around mental health. All the statistics in the world that are quoted are so untrue – mental health is greatly under reported.
What’s brave, is stepping up and admitting you need help. This is not a weakness; this is courage and bravery. To open oneself in a selfless manner and admit they struggle – for all to see.
Well world, see MY wounds. I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle with mental health and sometimes anxiety. I am not ashamed to admit I suffer from Social Anxiety. There are some days I am not ok. There are some days where I am perfectly happy and content. I am medicated and I know when I have missed a day (most often because I fell asleep too fast). I have seen many mental health professionals over my 41 years. Your feelings are perfectly normal. It’s ok to not be ok.
If I have learned anything this week following my mother’s death and being her executor, it’s this:
GIVE SOMEONE YOUR PASSWORDS
I know, I know. We joke about giving our BF’s the passwords to out social media accounts and resetting our phones and browsing history, etc. But I’m serious. Every time I asked my mom to write down her passwords, she would agree and say she’s done it. She would tell me to go into her laptop and login automatically to her bank account so I could pay expenses, bills and the like. Except, she forgot to give me the password to log into her laptop.
And as we’ve started to sort through her things, we found the passwords she swore she wrote down. Scribbled. In six different, small notebooks. Passwords – all different – for the same accounts. It’s a guessing game.
I knew her hydro, gas, water, etc bills were all being sent electronically. I managed to successfully reset her email password (after trying for 2 days to guess the response to the standard security question “where did you meet your spouse” and discovered the responses are different for each account). I now have to guess the logins and passwords to all the accounts for hydro, gas, water…
So, should you find yourself with all your bills, banking and social media accounts with different usernames, emails, passwords, responses different – write it down. If you encrypt it into a password keeper, write down the CURRENT (and keep it current) password for that ONE person you trusted to access your shit and reset your phone, social media and browsing history or to simply pay your bills.
My mom died. Last Saturday. I was there. I watched as she took her last breath.
Mom’s been sick since I was 18. That’s when it first started. She would get this unknown, mystery illness every 2-4 years. We’d soldier through it.
In 2009 she told us she had cancer. A rare form of peritoneal mesothelioma. In 2010 she had surgery to remove the cancer, and was sent on her way.
She also had a blood cancer, called Multiple Myeloma. No, not the skin cancer melanoma. Multiple Myeloma affects the bone marrow and stops it from producing the necessary parts of the blood. This disease, when it’s in its “dormant” state is called Smoldering Multiple Myeloma. Once active, it becomes Multiple Myeloma. There are stem cell transplants – but that would’ve killed mom. In the end, we had about 2 more years with mom, one longer than they predicted. Even then, when the diagnosis came in at 2-3 weeks left, mom gave cancer the giant middle finger and said “fuck you, cancer” and lived almost 6 more weeks.
My biggest regret when my Dad passed in 2013 was that I didn’t speak at his funeral. I made certain to speak at Moms.
In my eulogy to my mom, I spoke of my memories.
My memories are of vacations to Florida and Alberta; the cruise with Nanny and my family where her biggest disappointment was not being able to see the stars. Our trip to Florida where she and Dad forgot to pick Todd, the girls and I up from Disney and we had to cab it back to the rental house at 1 am. Our trip down east with Todd, the girls and I.
My memories are of mom and I shopping; of her parading us through the hospital as kids introducing us to her co-workers like it was show and tell.
My memories are of Barenaked Ladies, Bon Jovi and Michael Buble concerts.
She loved old movies. She sat in the hallway of Toronto General one night during one of her visits discussing Turner Classic Movies with someone walking by.
My memory was watching her get all fan-girl giddy over the nice doctor at Toronto General last December. My memories are of her illnesses, but not the illness itself; but of the hilarious moments during and after.
Lets not forget mom’s love for impersonations; her impression of “tourist with camera” was Oscar worthy! Did you know mom had 52 photo albums? Not surprised? Me either. I had to move them. Twice. I’m sure she would’ve had more but we can thank the evolution of the digital camera. She has 18 SD Cards – FULL – of photos. Some cards 64 Gig. Add to the nearly 60 USB sticks…It’s going to take me the rest of MY life to go through.
Over these past few years, I would help Dad when mom got sick. Since my father’s death, I learned to be there for her more, and although I doubted my strength from the beginning (I was scared shitless), I learned to have a sick mother, and later a terminally ill mother, go to work, be a mother and wife, have fun with friends and live my life.
After our father’s death, Mom was our rock; helping us through the grieving process. I admit, the gravity of his death was too overwhelming for me to contemplate what she must’ve been going through. It was only a few years later when I figured it out.
How incredibly strong was she? Did I know anyone stronger? She never gave up; she put her entire being into raising us alongside Dad, providing for our family where we could learn, grow and stretch as far as we could.
When my mother was sick and most concerned about how her illness and death would impact me, I tried several times to convince her that her lessons had been taught, her wisdom imparted. But she continued to worry and concern herself with how I would handle this—how I would move forward after this devastating loss. The toll it would take and the tears I would cry….
What I learned most from my mom was how to be strong. I started writing this before her death and know that my strength and her strength will get me through this. She fought through it all with dignity, showing her strength, kindness, compassion and empathy for others before herself the entire way.
I left her Friday evening with one last “I love you”. She knew I couldn’t forgive myself is she was to die alone. She waited for the nurses to call me. She waited for me to get there. She waited for me to tell her one last time that I loved her. Her final gift to me, was to wait for me.
There are really no words to describe my closeness with my mother. I know this because the slow, agonizing decline and unpredictableness of this disease forces even the most optimistic and hopeful to think about and plan for this day. You start thinking about what you might say during a time like this. I realized that there really are no words.
There are only feelings, indescribable feelings. Feelings that make my heart burst and my whole being melt. Because my mother was my confidence. My bravery and my strength. My sensitivity, my compassion, my loyalty and even my laughter. She believed in me, and she believed that I always knew what was best for me.
She was everything. She was my mother.
I choose to believe that she is now with Dad amongst the stars. When I look up at the stars, I’ll know she’s finally found them and she and Dad are always shining down on us.
I already miss you, Mom. I will believe in me, Mom, and I will be fine. I love you.
I borrowed words from a eulogy I read online during moms final days from a woman writing about her mother who died of cancer. She said the words I struggled to write. When I find the article again, I will give the necessary credit.
It’s been a few busy months since I posted. I have about 30 drafts that I was too busy to finish. However, it’s after midnight on a Wednesday and I committed to finishing this one!
2017 was a rollercoaster year.
I started the year off on Weight Watchers, but after a 25 lb. weight loss, I convinced myself it wasn’t working. In all honesty, I feel like I sabotaged myself from a comment DH made. Excuses.
I’ve been helping my mom downsize and get her house prepared to sell – anyone looking for a beautifully remodeled 4,000 sq. ft. home in the GTA??
I feel like I’m finally in a good place at work. In 2018, I would like to do more professional and personal learning.
In August we drove to Atlantic City, NJ for a vacation with friends and their boys. The weather was amazing, the beach was amazing. I’d go back.
In October, my gym membership lapsed, and my DH and I went to Vegas with 2 other couple friends to celebrate our (the ladies) 40th birthdays this year. It was 2 weeks after the Vegas shooting. It was an emotional and heavy feeling to Vegas. We went to the Grand Canyon west tip and it was spectacular! I pulled my back 2 days before the trip and suffered for the next 10 weeks!!
My back is finally healed, and my kids sports take up 6 days a week. I feel like a blob. I’m exhausted all the time. I want to start back in the workouts. I really like lifting. It’s my happy place. I hate cardio. I may give the dreadmill a rest and start looking for HIIT workouts.
I joined a 12-week transformation challenge that my high school buddy Rob & his wife Michelle’s company, Trainers on Site is running. Wish me luck.
No resolutions for 2018. I have the type of personality that if I set a goal and didn’t meet it; I’d constantly beat myself up for it and add it to my list of failures and become depressed over it. I am always learning about myself, and trying to change how I see things about myself. I promote self-love & positive body-image to my baby girls, I need to practice what I preach.
Goodbye 2017. Thank you for the memories and life lessons. Cheers to a wonderful and adventurous 2018.
In Mom's Heels 