Random Musings

I’m an introvert in an extroverts world.

I (secretly, shhh) like exercise. Once I get going, nothing stopping me.

I love music. I like to dance when no-one is watching.

I can’t dance, hence only dancing when alone.

I love what I do for a profession. I’m good at it.

I hate putting myself in situations where I can potentially embarrass myself.

I don’t speak up for fear of people thinking – ” Who the hell is this person?” or thinking I’m an imposter.

I am an impostor. I have no idea what I am doing.

I have no confidence. I feel like nothing I do is right. I’m a constant disappointment.

I complain too much. And lately, always about the same thing.

My family/friends are better off without me.

I think I am pretty, but if am afraid if I say anything people will think I am full of myself.

Me being full of myself couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Although I hate my teeth/smile.

I want a tummy tuck, breast lift, arms & thighs excess fat removed.

Self-love is not something that comes easy for me.

What you see, is not always what you get.

I feel like I always wear a mask.

It’s exhausting pretending to be someone you’re not. An unpaid actress if you will.

Sometimes, we all need a reminder of what we mean to others.

Hello, My Name Is…

For those who don’t know me, my name is Stephanie. I am 44 year-old Canadian. I met my husband the summer I was 18 and we married the spring I was 25. We had our first daughter in 2004 and our second daughter in 2006. There was a third pregnancy in 2008 which wasn’t viable and we decided life and family were fine just the four of us. Our little family loves to travel; we think we’ve been to many places but when we look at it on a map, there’s still so much world to see!

I have 2 brothers, one is older by 15 months and the other younger by 3 years. My older brother has 4 kids, 2 grandkids and my baby brother has 2 kids. Both brothers are married. Both of my parents sadly and unfortunately passed away and the young ages of 61 (Dad) and 65 (Mom).

I have always suffered depression (as far back as I can remember, anyway). I medically diagnosed with Celiac Disease on January 28, 2013. I have struggled with my weight most of my adult life. A couple of times I’ve managed to lose quite a bit of weight only to gain it back. I loved running Obstacle Course Races (OCR’s) with my BFF and I made jewellery for a while. After my dad passed in 2013, I got a tattoo of his signature on the inside of my wrist. It was his signature from the last mother’s day card he gave me. After mom passed, I had a tattoo with her signature placed into the stem of a tulip. My tattoo artist designed it from scratch, the funny thing was he created 3 tulips – which I looked at a symbol of my brothers and I. Since then, I’ve become addicted to tattoos…not too many though…only 15….

Why have I decided to re-introduce myself? I started this random blog many years ago as a way to chronicle my weight loss journey. Since then it included my Celiac diagnosis, struggle with depression, loss of my parents, etc. Also, because for the past year or so I’ve been struggling, and sometimes talking it out helps. Knowing you’re not alone helps. Because believe me, even surrounded by some pretty great people, I have never felt so alone. I’ve never been ashamed of my mental health struggles, and I hope my honestly can help someone else.

I know my musings are random and inconsistent, but I am simply a regular girl, with duties, chores and activities that keep me busy. I post because it’s easier to keep a diary of sorts rather than trying to explain anything to people, most of whom don’t understand mental illness.

Stay tuned, more posts coming…

~S.

Mental Health is Health

I have spent the last 2 days sitting in a windowless room with 15 other people training to be a Mental Health First Aid Responder. It was a tough, but eye-opening 2 days.

It made me look back to how I as an HR professional have dealt with some employees in the past. Some situations I am proud of, some not so much.

With the recent events of celebrity suicide deaths, I felt the need to send the following email to the team:

We need to remove the stigma around mental health. All the statistics in the world that are quoted are so untrue – mental health is greatly under reported.

What’s brave, is stepping up and admitting you need help. This is not a weakness; this is courage and bravery. To open oneself in a selfless manner and admit they struggle – for all to see.

Well world, see MY wounds. I am not ashamed. I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle with mental health and sometimes anxiety. I am not ashamed to admit I suffer from Social Anxiety. There are some days I am not ok. There are some days where I am perfectly happy and content. I am medicated and I know when I have missed a day (most often because I fell asleep too fast). I have seen many mental health professionals over my 41 years.  Your feelings are perfectly normal. It’s ok to not be ok.

“Not all wounds are visible” – unknown

Please seek help if you need it.

Cheers

~S

2017 Year in Review

It’s been a few busy months since I posted. I have about 30 drafts that I was too busy to finish. However, it’s after midnight on a Wednesday and I committed to finishing this one!

2017 was a rollercoaster year.

I started the year off on Weight Watchers, but after a 25 lb. weight loss, I convinced myself it wasn’t working. In all honesty, I feel like I sabotaged myself from a comment DH made. Excuses.

I’ve been helping my mom downsize and get her house prepared to sell – anyone looking for a beautifully remodeled 4,000 sq. ft. home in the GTA??

I feel like I’m finally in a good place at work. In 2018, I would like to do more professional and personal learning.

In August we drove to Atlantic City, NJ for a vacation with friends and their boys. The weather was amazing, the beach was amazing. I’d go back.

In October, my gym membership lapsed, and my DH and I went to Vegas with 2 other couple friends to celebrate our (the ladies) 40th birthdays this year. It was 2 weeks after the Vegas shooting. It was an emotional and heavy feeling to Vegas. We went to the Grand Canyon west tip and it was spectacular! I pulled my back 2 days before the trip and suffered for the next 10 weeks!!

My back is finally healed, and my kids sports take up 6 days a week. I feel like a blob. I’m exhausted all the time. I want to start back in the workouts. I really like lifting. It’s my happy place. I hate cardio. I may give the dreadmill a rest and start looking for HIIT workouts.

I joined a 12-week transformation challenge that my high school buddy Rob & his wife Michelle’s company, Trainers on Site is running. Wish me luck.

No resolutions for 2018. I have the type of personality that if I set a goal and didn’t meet it; I’d constantly beat myself up for it and add it to my list of failures and become depressed over it. I am always learning about myself, and trying to change how I see things about myself. I promote self-love & positive body-image to my baby girls, I need to practice what I preach.

Goodbye 2017. Thank you for the memories and life lessons. Cheers to a wonderful and adventurous 2018.

~S.

 

I hate my guts

This weeks’ weigh in saw me down 7.5 lbs. In complete transparency, I haven’t weighed in for a couple of weeks and my body is rejecting itself.

I wasn’t feeling great Monday. People commented that I looked flushed. I left exercise class part way through because my stomach was in so much pain. I barely made it home and never made it to the washroom when the projectile vomiting hit. That was it for me for the rest of the night until Wednesday! I swear, my body was trying to vomit all my insides up. My body hated my its guts. Whatever that was, it’s now morphed into a sinus/chest cold. Today I finally feel a bit better.

I know that my 7.5 lb loss won’t be as good as it sounds when I start keeping the food down. I FEEL awful since I haven’t been eating or working out. Tonight, I’ll go outside for a walk and then grab some weights for a light sessions to ease back in.

I cancelled my WW Membership last night. I’ll finish out the month I’ve paid for. Why did I cancel? Not sure the program was really helping. I wasn’t following it or tracking in the end. I’ll take my $67/mo and buy a new scale.

Wish me luck.

Cheers,

~S

Wobbily Bits and Perky ….

I weighed in yesterday. Down 0.9lbs. I know I can get discouraged and hung up on a number, and I know it’s more than just the scale.

I’ve been working out like crazy! I attend classes on Mondays (tabbata), Wednesdays (when I can, burn n’ firm) and Thursdays (boot camp). On my own, I’m at the gym on the dreadmill for 30 mins min – even before my classes, a min of 30 mins. I do weights at home mostly. Lately, I’ve been concentrating on doing abs nightly to strengthen my core. My core is quite pathetic, really. They’re in hibernation. For 20 years.

I was dying, I mean, lying down the other night looking at my phone when I turned on the camera. I took a pic and thought – “ha! this is why all those fit Instagram people always take pics of themselves lying down! I look muscular!”

It’s such a hard thing to do. Not compare. I look at my friends and wish I was as skinny, perky (snicker), outgoing, muscular, etc. But I’m not. I’m me. I’m smart, introverted, kinda shy, round, jiggly, determined. I have NEVER looked like those friends (even back in highschool). I am not built like that. Those aren’t my genes. Victoria’s Secret & Spanx are my BFF’s. What I can do; try to live actively and healthy. Teach my kids the same while being decent, patient, kind, tolerant, understanding, empathetic, strong women and human beings. It’s a struggle. I don’t always practice what I preach, but I’m trying my best. Every day.

Cheers,

~S

I shoulda stayed in bed

 

This morning (last night actually), I shoulda stayed in bed. I stopped at Tim Horton’s for a steeped tea. I drank it when I got home. I think it was actually coffee (which I don’t like) but I couldn’t be sure because I can’t taste anything with this cold. *shrug*

This morning, I peeled myself out of bed. I got ready – NSV; I’m wearing a top and jeans ONE SIZE SMALLER today – and looked at the time. Damn. I needed to leave the house 5 mins ago. Except that A asked for a drive to school this am. I need to go to the bank to pay daycare. I don’t have my lunch/snacks/tea yet. Damn. Ok kids – out the door. We have time to hit the ATM and I will hit Tim’s on my way to work. Ha! Stupid Universe had other plans.

I drove to the bank. I went inside and the machine was out of service. The line for tellers was long. I thought, I’ll take my chances in the drive-thru. Well, once you’re in that drive-thru, you’re trapped. Then, the lady 2 cars ahead was doing ALL HER BANKING – at 8:15 am!! ARGH!! Do it online lady! Now, I’ve made the kids late for daycare/school. Rushed to drop them off, it’s now 8:30 am. I’m usually at work by 8:20. Traffic was heavy today, people breaking and going the speed limit. I mean, what’s THAT about? Don’t they know I’m late?!?!?!

I didn’t have time to stop for tea so I made one at work. Now, I sit here at my desk in common cold-induced daze. Waiting for what the rest of today brings. Hockey practice for A tonight and the gym for me.

I haven’t weighed in this week. 1. I was SO bloated on Wednesday because I think I may have glutened myself accidentally, 2. I was too busy running around Wednesday with work and kids sports and 3. I got too busy Thursday with work, being sick and the gym to go.

That being said, I have caught a cold. It’s only the beginning, but I haven’t let it stop me. I may not have weighed in, but I have been to the gym. Monday at lunch for 45 mins and again after work for an hour class. I went Wednesday for 1.5 hours and Thursday for speed intervals on the dreadmill and an hour bootcamp class. I’m trying to sweat out my cold. Maybe I should switch to Vodka.

Cheers to the weekend!!

~S

Timing is everything

I’m so busy at work lately and with the kids activities and remembering to call to fix the fridge and get the housework done and take my car into the shop…I keep forgetting to update here.

 

I started to write this post on Tuesday, the day before my weigh-in about how I’m so busy with work and the kids, I haven’t had alot of time to update. I was telling you about how I was ready to give up and cancel my Weight Watchers membership because the new plan just wasn’t working for me.

Today, I went to weigh-in at lunch, because tonight, even though E’s soccer was cancelled and I would actually be free to attend a meeting. I chose not to. I went to work out instead.

After being up last week 1.6 lbs (hence the “I’m ready to quit” temper tantrum), I’m down -3.4 lbs this week. I tracked this week in a combination of my online tracker and paper tracking…guess it does work after all.

I will repeat, I am more than a number. It’s called “beyond the scale” for a reason. I know the weight loss is SLOOOWWW, but I can see it in  the inches lost, my body leaning out, the bumps called muscles that are showing and my endurance increasing.

Here’s to not quitting!

Cheers,

~S

 

Wednesday weigh-in

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted. I weighed in on Feb 1 and was down 3.3 lbs and I weighed in late this week (today) and am down 1.5 lbs.

Coming back after my back injury has been good. I am sluggish with my running. I am killing the weights and classes at the rec centre (except the evil class where the evil Cruella DeVille hurt me).

I found it hard to post last week. I turned 40 on January 31. I know, I know. I look waaayy too young to be 40! Thank you, you’re too kind. Thank you to all my friends and family who emailed, texted, messaged, sang, gave cupcakes, cakes, gifts, etc.Mom & in-laws popped by for dinner and cake on that fateful Tuesday. Mom took some photos of me on my phone when the cake was brought to me. Later on, when I was alone and saw the picture, I cried. Man, I looked awful in that picture. I know – I’m more than a number. I’ve lost inches. I’m more active than ever. It still hurt.

Turning 40 bothers me. Those who tell me “it’s just a number” aren’t 40 yet and can fuck off (in the nicest way). I don’t know why I feel like I need to feel old or what does old even feel like?  I don’t feel any older than I am. I came across this older article in the Huffington Post, How it Really Feels to Turn 40 and I love the comment:

“I’ve never been one to get caught up in worries about appearances very much, but I can guarantee that anyone who says they don’t mind the physical repercussions of aging is lying. No woman likes making her resting face and having her daughter ask why she’s mad. No woman enjoys slipping money to a bouncer who once waved her to the front of the line (I can imagine this might be true anyway — personally, my bedtime leaves no opportunity for clubs). No woman enjoys when a mammogram machine gets to second base with her.”

I read about people turning 40 and coming to terms with it. How it’s a “new chapter” and adventure; blah, blah, blah. Coming to terms with changes; blah, blah, blah. Well, la-ti-da. Good for you. Bugger off. I’m not ready to accept that I’m 40. Not even close. I’m throwing an adult-sized tantrum. I’m stomping up the stairs, slamming my bedroom door, getting in my jammies, drinking my vodka and reading a book.

Cheers,

~S

 

 

Injury

These past two weeks I have done little to no exercise. As mentioned in my last post, I managed to hurt my back pretty bad a couple of weeks ago at an exercise class. I was doing some weights from a sitting position and back exercises with yoga.

I couldn’t do any of that last week. I was too sore. Although, I managed to exercise my mouth & stomach – by eating everything in sight. Good Gawd. I sit idle for 2 mins and lose all my willpower.

I don’t yet know the damage it caused to my Weight Watchers journey. I’ve been too busy with kids activities to get to my weigh-in. One thing I’m learning though, is this is my journey. I’m going to fall and stumble along the way. I’m going to get down about it.

However, it’s my actions and reactions to all of this that are going to shape me in my journey. Last night I got back on that treadmill. I put in almost 10 mins of warm up walking before launching into small interval training (60s/90s x8 at 3.6/5.1 mph at 1% incline). I felt fantastic. Tonight, I’m going to tabata class where I will do the low intensity workout to ease back into things.

If I let the fact I’ve gained weight or lost some activity momentum get me down, then that’s when I lose. I only fail if I give up. Gawd knows, I’m too much of a goody-two-shoes to fail at anything.

Cheers,

~S